The swine flu and EngineerBoys bitchy sister

It's been awhile but I have been spending every waking hour with my head in the toilet praying for the ability to throw up. I have spent so much time in the bathroom the tile has an imprint of my butt on it. I saw the doctor and after the exam he told me everything felt and looked great! Yay! No more bed rest! Now it's banishment to the bathroom. I can't wait until my stomach feels better, all I ever want to do it throw up.

The swine flu has attacked! EngineerBoy and I were supposed to go to Mexico for his sisters wedding on Sat (we were to leave this past Tuesday) but of course the swine flu breaks out and me being the anal retentive person I am called my OB and asked what he thought. He told me under no circumstances should I go. Of course this made the sister love me oh so much more. She still isn't happy about the gummy bear and now I say I am not going. You would have thought I told her what a bitch she really is being and that her dress makes her look fat. I told her that I wanted to go (hell I have planning for this trip for 8 months) but the doctor did not want me to take the risk. I am paying this man tons of money to be my doctor and give me the best medical advice possible so of course I am going to listen to him. Plus I have to be careful, I am my mom's only caregiver since my sisters are still at school and I couldn't take the risk of getting it and then bring it back to her, she has a low immune system as it is from the chemo. Just what she needs, to be but in harms way so I can go to the bitches wedding, so sorry I am messing up your life. WonderNurses oncologist even told me it was best for her and ME not to go. There you go, 2 very well respected doctors telling me not to go. Who am I going to listen to, a insurance rep or 2 world renowned doctors? Let me think about that! I never told EngineerBoy not to go, hell I told him from the beginning I wanted him to go. She seems to think though that I threw a fit and made him change his plans. I didn't. I told him to go from Wed (when the rest of the family was going to get there) and stay until Sun but he said no, he didn't want to be away from me that long so he is going from Friday to Sunday. She nor his mom won't talk to me but I don't care. I am the only one that can protect my little gummy bear and she/he is such a miracle that I am going to do everything in my power to protect her/him. I might not be able to protect them from everything but I can do this. Luckily FunJet is being great (probably the first time in the history of travel that the travel industry is actually compassionate) they let us cancel our trip to Mexico and apply the entire amount (they didn't charge any kind of cancellation fees!!!!) to another trip! EngineerBoy and I are going to Jamaica for a week at the end of June to celebrate our anniversary!

I can't wait until the first trimester is over! Not only will the nausea hopefully go away, I will start to show and I will feel more confident that the gummy bear will be OK and I can carry her/him to term. I am still so freaked out that something is going to happen and I will loose the gummy bear! I know bad things can happen at any time but I also know that if I make it to my second trimester I have a better chance of making it to term, I have to hang on to that, thinking about all the bad things that can happen make me want to puke even more!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I. AM. BORED!!!! I am loosing my mind! I can't wait until Wednesday to go to the doctor, one because I will finally get to see the doctor and make sure that everything is ok and two because I will get to leave my bed!!!!

Scared

99.9% of the time I am happy I am having the gummy bear. Yes, it's not how I wanted to do it, I wanted to be married with some sense of security but other than that I am excited! But some days like today when I am only allowed out of jail to pee I wonder about this. Not that I would ever have an abortion (though I do believe you have a right to choose what you do with your body) but sometimes I really am sad that I am having the gummy bear. My life is never going to be the same. No longer is it about me it's about someone else. I already take care of my mom and my sisters, whenever there is a crisis they turn to me to fix it and now I will have a baby to take care of too. I am scared that I won't be able to do it, I worry that I will fall short as a friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, mother. What a thing to fail at, being a mother. Failing as a mother would mean I am not only ruining my life but the life of someone else, someone who didn't get to choose to come into this world. I just don't want to fail but I also don't want to loose myself, I want to stay me. I want to look in the mirror and still see me while seeing someone's mom.
Part of me also worries about EngineerBoy. He is excited right now but his family hates the idea of us having this baby and I worry that since he can just walk away he will because of them. It's not fair because I have expressed these thoughts to him and he has none nothing but made me feel comfortable, he says that if his family can't be happy then it's their loss that the gummy bear and I are what's important. I just worry about their influence on him. His mom actually cried when he told her, she actually said please tell me you are kidding and that this isn't real! His sister said that while she doesn't agree with how it's happening (i.e. we're not married) she will support us because she loves us. What a slap in the face! I know my mom is not happy about us not being married, hell neither am I but she has never made me feel bad about how it happened. She recognizes what a miricle this is and how lucky we are to even to be having this discussion so she isn't going to dwell on how it happened. She knows there are far worse things in life than an unplanned pregnancy especially considering I am 28, have a college degree and a full time job and in a monogmous relationship with a guy willing to be a father and a partner in this. I just hope he doesn't have to give up his family for ours. Why can't they just be happy? Why do they have to make this about them?

Bedrest

So, I couldn't go see my OB because he had a family emergency and had to reschedule for next week. I almost cried, I was so happy to finally get to the doctor. Because of all my reproductive problems, I have boycotted the gyno. I spent 6 years seeing one every month, having them poke, prod and examine "it". I imagine my insurance company hated me! I was on round the clock birth control pills and weekly shots that cost $3000 a pop! I had surgery 4 times. I have had more people look at "it" then a porn star! When I graduated from college and started paying for my own insurance I decided I wasn't going to go anymore! I know childish but it was a decision I made. As the years past I got scarder and scarder that if I went there would be something wrong with me, completly irrational but I never said I was rationale. I woke up Friday bleeding a lot. My OB told me to go to the ER for a ultrasound and then to call him. I had one done and with an exception of a small cyst on my ovary (the same one that propably looks like swiss cheese) everything looked fine. As the ER doctor said there is a tumor in my utures that will naturally expel itself in 9 months, i.e. a baby. Apparently the blood was from a ruptured sack of blood that formed when the placenta was forming. Supposedly it's nothing to worry about but they said to stay on bedrest until Wednesday when I go to the OB. Friday, Sat and today have been loooooooooooong! I miss getting up and getting my own drink! Thankfully EngineerBoy has been great about it! He set up the Xbox in the bedroom so I can play games and stream my Netflix instant viewing movies. I am just bored though. I always go to WonderNurses on Sunday to watch Celebrity Apprentace but I can't and she doesn't want to drive at night so we are going to have the phone on and watch it togther 3 miles apart!
Wednesday can't come fast enough!

I am neurotic

It's going to be a long 9 months. Yesterday I was in the bathroom at work and there was some pink and I felt really gassy. I freaked out and drove myself the half block to the hospital. They did a blood test, urine test and a pelvic and everything seems ok. He said everything looked good and felt ok so who knows why I was bleeding but it stopped so I just have to watch it and make sure I go to my normal OBGYN appointment week. EngineerBoy was great, I called him crying and he drove the 65 miles to me and stayed with me until they told me I was ok. I don't know, I am scared but taking it one minute at a time.

WonderNurse is doing well. Her cancer numbers are looking great, the chemo is working. Her stomach still bothers her but she can eat more and she is even well enough to drive herself to work and work for about 4 hours a day. It's definetly better than it was 6 weeks ago. We go to the doctor tomorrow to see how she is doing and if all is well she will get her 4th round of chemo next week, fingers crossed.

Hell has frozen over - My eggo is preggo

Hell has frozen over. It's amazing what stress can do to you. I have been told for the past 12 years that I had a better chance of winning the lottery than every getting pregnant. I have had 4 surgeries and been on every birth control pill ever invented to keep me from bleeding to death once a month. I made the executive discision when I graduated college that I was going to go off the pill. It made it so that I couldn't loose weight, it made my hair fall out and made me feel totally sick and tired. I decided that since I wasn't having sex I wouldn't take it anymore. When I started dating JerkFace I almost went back on those dreadful little pills but since he always wanted to use condoms I didn't. We were together for 2 years and never once was I even late. When EngineerBoy and I started sleeping together we decided not to use anything because we were only with each other, we loved each other (I knew from day one), and I couldn't get pregnant. Well apparently stress can do a lot to you, either that or EngineerBoy's swimmers are awesome swimmers. My last period was short and light for me but probably normal for most people since most periods I nearly bleed to death. It was due last Thursday and I am one of those people that stress about starting (even before when I wasn't having sex at all) so by Sat when I hadn't started I figured it was stress but went and got a test just to make myself feel better, totally thinking it would have a big fat negative sign, I would then feel better and then I wouldn't be stressed and I would start. NEVER in a million years did I think that it was going to be a plus sign!!!! As MiddleSister says my eggo is definetly preggo. I did another one and it's still positive. I am pregnant. I don't know how to feel, I never prepared myself for this. I was 16 when I was told I couldn't have children naturally. I cried, I mourned, I moved on and now what 4 doctors told me never would happen is happening. I am shocked and scared but part of me is happy. I am getting something I never thought I was going to be able to do. Sure, I wish I was married but beggers can't be choosers. And at least I am with someone who was planning our engagement without my knowledge, someone who was picking out rings while I worried about my period (I didn't tell him I was worried, I just told him I was pregnant). He hadn't gotten it or anything but he was planning on marrying me before we found out about the baby. At least I am 28 and not 18, at least I have a college degree and a full time job. I am just shocked! I don't know what to think. Part of me is scared out of my mind, and part of me is excited. I worry that something is going to happen, I worry that I am going to suck as a mom. I am worried that my child is going to be neruotic like me.
It will be better once I go to the doctor and find out how far I am (anywhere from 4-8 weeks), I even confused the nurse at the doctors office when she asked me about my last period. WonderNurse's genocologist oncologist is also a normal OBGYN and he is so nice so I am going to go see him. I see him next Tuesday. EngineerBoy and WonderNurse want to go with me but I want to go by myself. I don't know why I just do, at least the first time. When they start doing the fun stuff they can come, for now I just need to do it by myself.
EngineerBoy hasn't told anyone, he wants to wait until I go to the doctor, probably so he can say how far along I am. I of course told WonderNurse and both sisters. They were shocked but ok. Both sisters are so excited you would think I just found the cure for cancer. It will be intersting to see how EngineerBoy's family reacts. I am most worried about his sister. She may be getting married first, but I am having the first grandchild. I am worried that she will feel as though I am upstaging her. I am worried that she will dislike me or that there is going to be a lot of unhappiness at the wedding. The wedding will be the first time I will see anyone (other than his sister) after announcing I am pregnant. Ugh. I wish I hadn't spent the money to go or I would be staying home instead of going.
EngineerBoy and both sisters want it to be a boy, WonderNurse and I want a girl. I understand girls, I know what to do with girls, girl stuff is more fun.
It's going to be one intersting year!

Some days I can barely remember my name

The title says it all. It's hard, I some how have managed to loose my self and my mind through all of this. My day's revolve around hospital visits and doctors and medicine and sickness. I have nothing else to say. I want Wondernurse to get better and it's killing me that I can't help. She has been in the hospital now for almost 3 weeks. In the last 7 weeks she's been there a total of 5 weeks. I hate going there, I hate the smells and the sounds and the constant interuptions. I miss just being able to sit and talk to her, I miss her calling me every day after work to tell me how her day was. Now our talks are just of what is still hurting or what the doctors have said. I pray every day for the strength to carry on for just 5 more minutes. That's how I take my day's by the minute. Things are looking up, the have scanned and probed and they can't find cancer anywhere else then when it was in her ovaries. Thats the good news, the bad news is that they can't get it all, there's always microscopic cells still lurking there ready to grow into tumors, that's why we have to do the chemo. The cumiden isn't helping so she has to give herself a shot of a different medicine twice a day to help with the blood clots but at least that is working. She got pnemonia while in the hospital so they are treating that with medicine and breathing treatments. Thankfully that seems to be helping too, now if I could only get her to eat! All the medicine though makes her sick and chemo will only make it worse. As she jokes, its the best diet she's ever been on.
I am still trying to work from home, it's hard though, I feel bad when I am not with her. What if she dies and I didn't take this time to be with her. But I have to work, I have to pay for an apartment I don't live in, pay for electricity and water I don't use, the banks want me to pay back my student loans etc. I have to work but I am consummed with guilt. Guilt when I am not with her, guilt when I am not working, guilt for what this is doing to my relationship with EngineerBoy and my friends. I am so filled with guilt I just don't know how to make any of it better.I know God doesn't give us more than we can handle but sometimes I wonder. How can I handle all of this?