Dusk Depression

Imagine this - It's starting to get cool (at least for Houston) and dusk approaches. This rocket scientist is running for cover. Ever since I was 12 years old dusk in the fall sends me into to a spiral of depression. And it's only dusk in the fall, dusk during the winter, summer or spring is just fine, it's just fall. It only lasts until it's dark but if I am out in it, I feel hollow inside and want to cry my eyes out. I literally have to be inside with the tv on and every light in the place blazing. If I am at work I can't see the windows and I won't leave until its dark. I will do anything to escape it. The depression eases and is gone as soon as night has fallen but until then I am a mess if I am not in my little cocoon. Why you ask? When I was a kid WonderNurse worked Friday, Sat and Sun night at the hospital so that she could be at home with us kids during the week. Theoretically my dad would be at home with us but starting in the fall of my 12th year, this wasn't this way. As soon as she would leave (which would be around 630) my dad would jump in his car and leave. At first I didn't know where he was going but I later found out that he was having an affair. He would leave us to fend for ourselves (MiddleSister is 4 years younger then me and BabySister is 8 years younger) until he got home which usually wasn't until 4-5 in the morning. I don't know why this bothered me I had been babysiting since I was 11, I think it was just being left by my father. I felt all alone and lost. I hated going to sleep without him there so I didn't sleep. I would stay up all night long, watching all sorts of happy movies, never anything that had an scary parts in it, just in case I did fall asleep, I didn't want to wake up in the middle of a scary part. I was a mess for a long time. I never told WonderNurse, I am not sure why, maybe I didn't want to get my dad in trouble because even though I didn't know what he was up to I knew it couldn't be good. I had friends whose parents were divorced and I didn't want to be the cause of mine divorcing. As much as I didn't like him because of what he was doing (especially after I found out what he was up too) I didn't want to be the cause of my mom hurting. WonderNurse and my dad almost got divorced when I was in 5th grade and it was horrible. I protected him for so long. I protected him until he walked out for good then I told her. Even after all the therapy I had in college dusk in the fall still bothers me. Today while lying on the sofa with EngineerBoy dusk was approaching, the blinds were open and I tried so hard to ignore it but even laying in his protective arms I could not do it, but I had to get up and close them and turn on the tv. Even 16 years later I have to do it. I hate it. I want to be able to enjoy my day and not worry about where I am when dusk approaches. I just don't know what to do any more.