Self image vs what others think of you

What is up with self image? Does everyone have such a distorted view of themselves or is it just me? And when I say "what others think of you" I am not meaning those random people on the street, I care what they think but i know they are not the ones that matter. I am meaning the important people in my life, I am meaning EngineerBoy, WonderNurse, CollegeMom, PABFF etc.

Let's start with some history first. I have never been thin, and I mean NEVER. My MiddleSister and BabySister, sticks, I tell you sticks. I just want to reach out and give them a sandwich. I mean seriously, BabySister once said she was skinny because a lot of times she forgot to eat. Come on who forgets to eat. BabySister I guess. I have never had that problem. Not even when I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (known here as JerkFace) did I forget to eat, yes I ate less but no one could have ever accused me of not eating.

But in the year between breaking up with JerkFace and getting together with EngineerBoy, I tried really really hard. I counted everything that went into my mouth even if it was a stick of sugarless gum. I worked out twice a day religiously and I dropped 70 lbs. Since I have been with EngineerBoy I have put some of it back on but I am no where near what I used to be. I don't like that I have gained it back and I want it gone. I want to be like my sisters, I want to be 5'3 and 100 lbs. 100 lbs is my goal though I would be happy with 120.

Every morning I get up and do my hair etc and end up in front of the mirror thinking well this is as good as it's gonna get today. :-(

I want to be thin, I want to be pretty but every morning I think well here's to another day of being fat and crappy.

But here the thing, EngineerBoy tells me often that I am cute, beautiful, hot even and not when he wants something, or wants forgiveness etc. He just says it. I truly believe he believes what he is saying I don't think he is just telling me that to be a good boyfriend.

And when I was in PA both CollegeMom and CollegeDad told me how beautiful I looked.

Why can't I see what they sees? Why can't I strive to be healthy but leave it at that, why do I have to want be what mainstream America thinks is beautiful?

Sometimes I worry that EngineerBoy will not love me any more or want to be with me because I am not thin. That's not fair to him I know, it's not giving him the credit deserves. He has never ever said anything but wonderful things to me but I still worry. Poor EngineerBoy he gets the brunt of what JerkFace did to me.

You see I broke up with JerkFace but its because of what he said. I might of done the breaking up but he did the breaking of my heart. I thought he was what I wanted in a life partner. He was smart, he was older (15 years to be exact), he owned his own home, he was settled. Like I said I thought he was everything I wanted but I was wrong. In a middle of a fight over where we were spending Thanksgiving I asked him if we were ever going to get married, neither of us were getting younger. He surprised the hell out of me when he said no. When I asked why he said because of your "weight". Between that and his inability to not communicate with an ex that wanted more than friendship, that was the end of that but it left it's lasting mark. Until then I was happy with myself, fat and all. After that I was crazed by wanting to be thin, super thin.

Because of JerkFace, I can't see the good in me, I can't see the beauty within, all I see is the fat and ugliness. I don't know how to accept it and move past it. I want to be happy with myself but every time I look in the mirror I want to cry. I want to trust in EngineerBoy because he has never given me a reason not to trust him. I have to remind myself he is not JerkFace or my father, he is EngineerBoy, a good, honest, wonderful, loving man. He deserves someone who is secure, someone who loves themselves. I want to be that person, I just don't know how to get there. Now poor EngineerBoy has to deal with all the crazy issues I have with myself and trust because of JerkFace and my father.

My biggest fear is that I will ruin this for us, that we will fail because of my insecurities. I truly believe EngineerBoy is the one, the true love of my life. How do I get over my issues and not totally ruin the best thing to ever happen to me?