Scared

99.9% of the time I am happy I am having the gummy bear. Yes, it's not how I wanted to do it, I wanted to be married with some sense of security but other than that I am excited! But some days like today when I am only allowed out of jail to pee I wonder about this. Not that I would ever have an abortion (though I do believe you have a right to choose what you do with your body) but sometimes I really am sad that I am having the gummy bear. My life is never going to be the same. No longer is it about me it's about someone else. I already take care of my mom and my sisters, whenever there is a crisis they turn to me to fix it and now I will have a baby to take care of too. I am scared that I won't be able to do it, I worry that I will fall short as a friend, sister, daughter, girlfriend, mother. What a thing to fail at, being a mother. Failing as a mother would mean I am not only ruining my life but the life of someone else, someone who didn't get to choose to come into this world. I just don't want to fail but I also don't want to loose myself, I want to stay me. I want to look in the mirror and still see me while seeing someone's mom.
Part of me also worries about EngineerBoy. He is excited right now but his family hates the idea of us having this baby and I worry that since he can just walk away he will because of them. It's not fair because I have expressed these thoughts to him and he has none nothing but made me feel comfortable, he says that if his family can't be happy then it's their loss that the gummy bear and I are what's important. I just worry about their influence on him. His mom actually cried when he told her, she actually said please tell me you are kidding and that this isn't real! His sister said that while she doesn't agree with how it's happening (i.e. we're not married) she will support us because she loves us. What a slap in the face! I know my mom is not happy about us not being married, hell neither am I but she has never made me feel bad about how it happened. She recognizes what a miricle this is and how lucky we are to even to be having this discussion so she isn't going to dwell on how it happened. She knows there are far worse things in life than an unplanned pregnancy especially considering I am 28, have a college degree and a full time job and in a monogmous relationship with a guy willing to be a father and a partner in this. I just hope he doesn't have to give up his family for ours. Why can't they just be happy? Why do they have to make this about them?