Disgusted

Disgusted. That's what I am. I am disgusted in myself, how I look, how I feel, my job.

I am fat. I am gross. I can't do this any more. I hate how I look and I hate that EngineerBoy has so many hot friends that are girls. Girls he probably would date but they are his sister's friends so he decided not to go there. I hate that he's with me knowing he wants someone who is hot, thin and sexy. While watching Heros every other girl is HOT and he has to comment that she is hot. He is no Matt Damon but do I say every guy that is hot is hot? No. Why does he have to say that? Does he have any idea how horrible that makes me feel. And for a guy he sure doesn't want sex very often. Probably because I am fat. It makes me sick. What makes me sicker is that he probably wants to have sex, just not with me. Who am I kidding, I wouldn't want to have sex with me either.

I know people that can choose not to eat and they don't. While I know it's not healthy I wish I could do it, I wish that I could have that kind of self control. I figured I could do it for awhile and then change to a healthy diet but tried today and nope. By 5pm I thought I was going to die so I ate something. At least it was just egg whites, veggies and a spicy black bean burger ending today with 777 calories but still. I know someone that went 3 weeks eating only 500 calories a day. She survived and lost 18 lbs. Why can't I?

Why is it that guys can be heavy, still have self confidence and date hot girls but a fat girl can't? How is that fair? How is it that I have no problem with how he looks, I think he is adorable and even if he was 500 lbs I could still love him just as much as I do now at 235 lbs but I don't think he can love me at my weight, or at least not for the long term. Jerkface couldn't and he is not even half the man EngineerBoy is. He has never said it out right but some comments he has made makes me think otherwise, that he would rather be with his friend Lindsy. This is how he descirbed Lindsy right before we went to her birthday party, "she is 5'0 and stick thin. I mean really really thin. Like she is this big (holding his fingers a millimeter apart) I wanted to date her but decided against it because she is my sister's friend." So why the hell is he with me, her polar opposite in looks. She is a nice enough girl but she is the life of the party, she has to be drunk and at every party, not me at all. I love going to the park, going to a museum, laying on the couch watching movies etc. If I never went to another party again I could care less. So the big question is why? Why me?

I am totally disgusted at myself.

My job just sucks. Enough said......